It’s Spring time, finally. Time for rebirth. Which reminds me, I need to finish mowing my lawn.
I mowed all of it but about 1/4 of it. I don’t have a large yard, just takes time to do it. A lot of time lol. I don’t mind it that much. It is the perfect temp to mow it, yet it is still pretty wet with dew. I’m afraid by the time I get to it the rest of the yard will look like it needs mowing again lol.
I have a really cool lawnmower now. Amazes me that a lawnmower can crank easily with my weak-ass pulls on the cord and that it doesn’t vibrate me to death. I feel good after I mow for a couple of reasons. First being the exercise that I get for a change (body adores that) and the second, I just feel good that I am taking care of my home.
Being jobless is still scary. I try not to worry about it to the point of anxiety attacks, but it bothers me. I am beginning to take it personally. So many jobs out there. I am registered with two temp services and there is nothing available for me with either right now. I put in applications for jobs I see online. I do adapt my resume to the job I am applying for, dumbing it down for less skilled jobs and fully exploiting my skills and talents on the bigger, more ideal jobs – and adjusting for all points in between.
I’m pretty sure that I will never be able to answer these simple questions:
- Who am I?
- What do I want out of life?
So far I can only answer that I am me and I don’t want this (being unemployed and worrying about how the hell I’m going to pay my bills).
I have been trying to remember to be grateful for what I do have. Being grateful as I climb in my car because I have one. Being grateful that it cranks, being grateful that it stops rolling when I apply the brakes and goes when I push the accelerator and that it cuts off when I turn it off – I guess technically that would be uncranking it.
I am grateful for every dish as I wash it – grateful that I have the tools to eat with, glasses to drink out of and a place to store them when I am done.
The downside to being grateful for all that I do have is that I am afraid of losing it all. I have also determined that I don’t do well alone. I need someone to take care of and in turn I ended taking care of myself. Now that I am single and all of my children are grown, it is just me. I’m not sure how to take care of just me. It isn’t a flaw, just the way I am put together.
Wonder if I could treat my dogs like children – is that a valid motivator, you know the ride/die deal for my dogs? I can already see it, the crazy dog lady.
I am afraid, because of my past experiences, that I will be single the rest of my life unless I can get a background check, drug testing and a financial statement for every potential partner for me. Might even want to have a psyc analysis along with the others, too.
Currently I am, on the personal level, struggling with some things about myself and what to do about them.
On is that I have longer curly/frizzy/straight hair. I don’t want to cut it, yet I am tired of straighteningit. I am wondering if I am brave enough to embrace the choas that is my hair and just let it be natural. On this same note I am possibly almost 100% gray under this hair color. I am also tired of coloring my hair. Am I brave enough to just let it be – let the gray shine on through? Then there is the makeup deal. I have started wearing makeup again. Not much makeup, mind you, but enough that now I feel ‘naked’ without it.
I do understand why women my age start drawing their eyebrows on. Seems my eyebrows have started falling out and decided to regrow on my chin and neck area. Not that bad, but close. I hear that is due to me being post-menopausal. Horomones, can’t live with them – can’t live without them – can’t afford to buy them. So I sit and ponder these things while drawing in missing eyebrows and plucking random hairs (whiskers) off my chin.
If I don’t do all these things then it appears that I don’t care about myself. When did wearing makeup, having my hair styled, clothes perfectly pressed and accessorized and having my nails done become a requirement for taking care of yourself?
I bring this stuff up because people do comment. I have heard people state: you need to have your eyebrows waxed, you need to wear something other than those kinds of tee shirts, you need to have your nails done, your feet are not sandle ready so you really need to get a pedicure….
This goes back to me being single. If I do all the required maintenance these days, what about the one time I chip a nail, or when I decide to just pull the hair up in a pony instead of straightening it, don’t wear makeup that one time or miss a spot shaving my legs? Are those actually deal breakers? God forbid they should ever see me naked.
I am me. That is the best I can do.
Off to move the rest of the yard.
Love and light to all!