Wednesday Rambling

It is beautiful out today. Haven’t been out there but didn’t get blasted with a wall of heat when I opened the door to let the dogs out.

Still adjusting to working in the heat. Some days are better than others, yet it is still taking a toll on me. Today I woke with fat fingers and my eyes swollen. Wonderful combination of heat and allergies.

So many things I need to take care of this morning, need as in will make me feel better, yet my mind is going its usual 900 mph and I need to mind dump to get focus going. Unfortunately it will be on here so hang on lol.

My first thoughts in those moments between sleep and waking are always about death. Strange since it involves me doing a ‘body’ check (mine) to make sure I am still alive. Then I get up and wander into the kitchen. Just weird and I am trying not to analyze it all. May just be that I fear death more than I am willing to admit.

My dogs are weirder than usual lately. They hover over their bowls, not eating more allowing the other to eat either. Then they calm down and eat. I feel like I am in Underland (Wonderland) most mornings with these creatures.

I am getting myself in tizzies over the stupidest things. Not unusual other than it is getting worse. I don’t like the shift my life has taken and not sure how to adjust. Not sure I want to adjust. Working evenings has gotten me all mixed up. Working close to home has also gotten me mixed up. My circle of living has gotten smaller than I like but is definitely bigger than when I wasn’t working at all.

I am not close to many things out here. No banks or grocery stores. A gas station and a dollar store. Those are the closest things and the selection at either is limited and also higher priced – which probably accounts for the fact that I’ve gained 10 pounds over the past few months and still gaining.

I understand now why poor people tend to be heavier. We eat what we can afford and that is usually crap.

These, however, are just things going on in my life. Little things that will overwhelm me if I think too long on them so I just ignore them and keep going. Where am I going? Clueless.

I did get my lawn mowed the other day. Not a great job but it did make me feel better. Mentally, not physically though. I will say that it didn’t hurt my body like it usually does so I will say that I am getting stronger every day.

I do miss my kids. I miss their voices and hugs. Their smiles and their laughter. Strange when I have time on my hands I have no money to go see them and if I have money to make the trip then I don’t have the time because I am working to earn that money. Time and money, rarely both at the same time.

I also wonder if I will ever be able to dig myself out of this financial hole I’ve dug for myself. I have done it before so I know its possible. I honestly don’t remember how I did it before. Probably got married or something insane like that.

Fighting anxiety is exhausting. I get tired of fighting it so I go numb. That isn’t good either. It makes me be too still and too quiet. It reminds me of how Dudley acts when then big dogs come barreling into the house. He is little so he gets still, like a statue, so the big dogs will just move on away from him. That is what I do in life. Not a good way to be.

I know that I can’t work at this job forever. Not enough hours, not enough money and it is hard on this body of mine. However, this job has been really good for me. I can now carry a conversation that doesn’t just involve the dogs and my roommate. I remember now how good I am at running a kitchen, setting up work flow and how to keep it clean without using brute force and/or chemicals. Yes, we do use chemicals because we have to sanitize but cleaning the griddle can be done with just ice and baking soda. My boss scored a griddle/grill stone that is amazing with the once a week super cleaning. Now to find a system to clean the vents over the grill. A toothbrush is a super tool where this is concerned yet one toothbrush cannot survive three vent filters. I do believe I just need a small wire brush and a spray bottle for the cleaner might just solve that ordeal.

I also like running the registers. Not really good at their system yet, but does give me the opportunity to meet some very interesting people. It is also nice to talk to humans again. My dogs aren’t very good listeners and have absolutely nothing to add to the conversation. Like being in a one sided love affair – it is one sided lol.

I also like the fact that I am the cook and if the customer base gets creepy I can disappear into the kitchen where I am suppose to be.

Now that I’ve rambled on and cleared my head (woken up) I am off to finish the laundry and vacuum my home.

Love and light to all!