Day Two

There is no day one post, that would have been yesterday. I am attempting to quit smoking, again. I also sort of blew up the exercist ball. I need to finish that so I can use it. In my spare time I am trying to better myself and my home. Spare time, have a whole lot of that now. 

Its weird not working and not having kids to take care of around here. I am so tired of being in this house. Unfotunately I am also becoming afraid to leave my house. I started to say it is strange, but honestly it isn’t. I have a strange way of thinking that some would call over-thinking but I wonder if more people did it – you know ‘think things through’ would they rob that bank, get in the car after drinking, you get the idea.

I know that if I get in my car it better be for a reason. I need my gas for finding work, not playing around. I do go to the store to pick up essentials and such, but nothing for pleasure. And, I better be picking up more than one thing or its wasting gas. I wait until I have several places in the area to go before leaving the house. 

Anyhoo, back to day two. I figure since I’m stuck here at the house I will work on things around the house. You know, super clean and detail things out. Clean out closets and such but the house still looks the same. It still needs vacuuming every single day, toilets cleaned – ad naseum. I think that maybe I should fix this or paint this – oh yeah, I’m jobless and broke. 

A couple of young people down in the cove came up with their mower while I was mowing my yard. The oldest doesn’t speak english well and the younger asked if they could mow the lawn for me. I told them I that I couldn’t pay him. He said, I know you’re out of work so we would like to help you with your yard. 

I struggled with that for a minute and then said okay. See, I don’t trust kindness these days. People these days keep tabs of what they do for others so they can collect later. 

On the bank robbing deal. Maybe they do think that through. If they don’t get caught then they can feed themselves and their family. Keep their car from being repossessed, pay their bills. If they get caught, hey, free room and board. Get fed and the rest no longer matters. Yeah, I couldn’t rob a bank or anyone else. I have a guilt threshold of a negative .009. Anything above that on a deserves guilt scale would have me freaking out. I carry enough guilt with me. Don’t need more.

Put in two applications for two different jobs that I was told that I had but needed to be processed and still have no job. I seem to always be waiting. I use to ask myself what I was waiting for and now I have an answer that is truly out of my control. Waiting for someone else to do this, that or the other and they will let me know something. Hopefully in my lifetime. 

Not too worried about one of the jobs. The place was closed when my roommate went by there after work. It was 6, the sign says it closes at 10 pm. I know they’ve been forced to close at 8 or so because of staffing issues. Probably a blessing that one hasn’t come through. Now on to yet another employment service to see if they can score me something. Even if it is temporary. I believe it is because I am asking too much per hour. I know I’m worth what I am asking but need to lower it a couple of dollars an hour since there are so many that will work for much less than that. 

I think my biggest issue that I need to deal with is my adandonment issues. As a child I use to be afraid that people would forget me when I died. As an adult I am broken because people forget me while I am still alive. I can go out there and make people remember me, spend time with me and talk to me by making the the effort to be in their lives only to feel like I am intruding. A text, a phone call, hell even tagging me in a meme lets me know I am not forgotten. I no longer have the desire to intrude. So now I step back and just wait. Always waiting. I can’t force people to want to spend time with or send a random “hello” text any more than I can force someone to give me a job. Oh, I can guilt people into things, but I can’t bring myself to do that. 

Enough of this. Things to do, like waiting.

Love and light to all!