I don’t always like going back through the “On This Day” feed on Facebook because it throws people and events from my past up there that I would rather forget, yet other times things in the feed remind me just how grateful I am, or should be.
Today was one of those days.
A picture is worth a thousand words. If you really look at it closely.
It was taken possibly in 2011 or maybe 2012 in Maine, more likely 2012.
Start with my hand in my pocket. A little spastic, yet unless you look closer you would never see it. You still may not see it.
I was, for appearances sake, trying to look more relaxed and at ease for the picture. The normal Kay at the time would have that arm draped across her stomach holding my right side.
Look closely at the arm itself, the upper arm. Its all wrong. Arms shouldn’t look like that.
I had woken up one day in 2011 and could not move my left arm without experiencing excruciating pain. I don’t remember doing anything to have hurt it. It hurt to move it, to lift it, to do much of anything so I didn’t move it much again.
My friend, at the time, had just broken his shoulder. I thought maybe it was empathy pains, but after awhile I realized that wasn’t the case. His was healing, mine was not.
It is strange what being co-dependent does to you. I was terrified that someone would think he had done this to me in one of his drunken states, which is how he broke his own shoulder, so I kept it to myself. He never physically hurt me. Never.
Kept it to myself until 2013 when I ended up in the emergency room. I could not move that arm, my shoulders or even my neck by that point. The pain was beyond words. I drove myself, of course, and when I got there they thought I was possibly stroking because I couldn’t breathe, move my left arm and my lips were a bluish tint because the pain had me panting/hyperventilating.
It was time to talk about it. It was time to get some help. I needed my family.
This pain and emergency room visit happened again after moving to Texas. I am forever grateful that here I found not only the love and care of my family, but I also found a doctor that wanted to fix the problem. I have 7 pinched nerves – 2 in my back at my shoulder blades, 2 at my hips, 2 in my neck and one in front at my left shoulder, at the joint.
I count myself lucky. Through physical therapy (not drugs) and meditation (not drugs) I can now function without too much pain. When it flairs up again, it is mild and I know how to deal with it (not drugs). When I get stressed I deal with the tension with meditation and exercises (not drugs).
I can proudly say that here in 2017 I have full range of motion with my left arm. I can deal with the left ankle – which surprisingly factors into all this craziness – by wearing an ankle brace when I sleep (no drugs). My arm no longer look like a mass of useless muscle and flesh.
I will never do cartwheels or pushups again in my life (jacks up those nerves) but I can live with that. I will never have a super toned body again, I am limited to the exercises I can do without aggravating the nerves again – even restricted to certain yoga positions. That is okay. Today I can lift my grandchildren, play with them and enjoy my life in general.
So, for those that knew the New Hampshire deal, let it go. I have. Today is gratitude. My life is by no means perfect. I may have been ‘broken’ yet I am coming together again quite nicely. Spiritually, emotionally and physically.
Love and light to all!