I read all these motivational, inspirational and other how-to books trying to have a better life. To be a better person and yes, grow up.
To date, all I’ve discovered that is that the more I give up, the less I have. The more I strive to do better and be more responsible the more messed up my life becomes.
There is a poster at work that orginally said “Work smarter not harder” and the word smarter has a huge X on it and over it is written “harder”. I’ve done that. Work hard. Harder, and then even harder and longer. Work, work and more work. Keep working hard and you will reap the rewards. What rewards?
I am still struggling financially so it isn’t financial rewards. Helping other people is suppose to bring rewards to you 7-fold. No, it gives other people rewards (the ones I’m helping) and also puts an extra burden of those helping me survive. This, I realize, isn’t passing the buck but just passing the burden.
To date all I have is insomnia, basic expenses that I can’t afford and I am tired all the time again. At work, after working so hard and improving myself has gained me more expectations at work. Piling more on, every freaking day. Yes, we do now have air conditioning at work but that isn’t going to help me other than making the heat not wear me down more. I can already tell that they are going to hold the new a/c over our heads. It has already started. The timing is awesome, too. Hey let us install a/c for the workers in the warehouse right when the weather is already becoming more bearable. My life story, and apparently their’s too, a day late and a dollar short.
I am told to not worry. Okay, so I have stopped worrying and now things are slipping through the cracks. Keeping my eye on the target is one thing, but the target keeps moving further away. I can’t lose sight of the target because it is always there, almost within reach but moves if I go toward toward it.
According to books the target doesn’t move, I just move off the path to it. Right. If all I have to do was keep my eye on one target and achieve that one thing (SMART goaling) I can achieve the goal, sort of, but everything else gets tossed to the wayside.
So now what? Start over? Again?
For now, I will keep moving forward through the rubble I call my life and do a whole lot of complaining here on my blog. Now to figure out what the heck to do with the these dogs. I wonder how hard it would be to rehome all 3 of them? They are becoming a burden I am no longer willing or able to bear.