I woke this morning trying to find an emotion. There wasn’t one, so I made one up. I cried, just a little, but I cried. Okay, so I didn’t cry, I had a tears well up in my eyes and then got a cup of coffee. I wasn’t sad so it was a farce. It was weird to see that I do have control of my emotions after all.
I need more mornings like this. I need more days like yesterday. There are shades of gray, they are where I want to stay. Everything isn’t black or white, there are those wonderful shades of gray in between. Easy does it, slow and steady, grace and class.
It wasn’t that long ago that I didn’t have control over my emotions. They ruled my life. They almost ruined my life. I took meds to control my emotions. I hated them. The meds. Before that I drank to control my emotions. I hated that, too. Both means took control where I couldn’t yet I still couldn’t control my emotions. Those things did, and they almost ruined my life.
Black or white, yes or no, either this or that, rich or poor, happy or sad. Extremes of scales, none of which are centered or balanced. Balancing the scales, that is the hard part – or maybe it is easy but I make it hard. Maybe it is hard and I try to make it easy.
What if? What if I don’t try to balance the scales that I have been given? What if I pull my own scales out and work on keeping it balanced? What if? What if I have more than one set of scales for each area of my life? No, that would be confusing and impossible.
I believe that I am going to just make my scales smaller. In theory that would mean that it wouldn’t take that much of one thing or another to balance them. We do live in a world of extremes, large amounts. In my world I can live with small things. If in my world it can take so little to make me happy then it wouldn’t take that much to make me sad yet it wouldn’t take that much to make me not sad again.
I find that I tolerate so much before I become upset or sad. Then it takes a ton of small good things to make me happy again, or at least balance the happy/sad part of my life. Unfortunately we do live in a world today that is not so nice. The things that make me sad are abundant and I have trouble finding the the things that make me happy in all the mess.
I am not sure how to do this. Shrink my scales to not hold so much of one thing or another. Instead of focusing on what is making me sad so I can get rid of it in my life, I am going to focus on what brings happiness and joy into my life. The sad/bad things will just go away. Disappear. If I don’t focus on them they will just disappear. They will disappear like the things that make me happy because I have taken my focus off of them.
“Seek and ye shall find” is what is in my mind this morning. Seek nothing, and you will find nothing. Expect nothing and you will find nothing. Seek worrisome things and you will find things to worry about. Seek joy, peace and love and you will find those things.
My ‘scales’ are too large for me and my life. Too big for one person. I want smaller scales.
The more I think about the scale analogy, the left side of my brain is questioning this theory. Does everyone have the same weight of good vs. bad? What happens when I achieve more happiness than sadness? Will that tipping of the scales that extreme throw my life off balance? In theory, does my happiness weigh less than my sadness? Does my peace and serenity weigh less than my stress and worry?
Hmmm. Maybe the scale size isn’t the problem. Maybe it is the weight of what I am putting in the scales. Maybe, just maybe, it is the value (weight) of what I am placing there. Maybe I am throwing other things in there like what I ‘should’ be doing, thinking or feeling along with what I actually am doing, thinking or feeling. Am I allowing others to toss stuff onto my scales? When did I give them permission to do that? Why did I give them permission to do it?
After I moved home to mom’s, yet again, and was in a serious depression my mom asked me a question that I still can’t answer today. “What do you want to do? What do you want? And, remember money isn’t a factor.”
I still can’t answer that question. I still don’t know what I want. I only know what I don’t want. At times I still don’t know what I don’t want, either.
Today I will try something. I am going to try to label things as yours, mine or trash. Once labeled I will not take possession of anything that isn’t mine. I believe if I can master this then the scales, my scales, will begin to balance.
“There is a difference between should be and is.”