Happy New Year – 2018

I really need to be better about blogging. I mean, if I am going to pay for this website and domain name, I probably should use it.

Anyhoo, a lot of cool things going on in my life. Physical, spiritual and emotional.

Have a new HVAC unit. This is amazing to me. Better than a diamond ring, a new car or new clothes to this girl. I knew the old one was just about worthless but it worked – sort of. This one, wow. Actually, WOW! It is quiet except for the sound of it blowing out of the vents. I mean, I can hear the unit fire up and the burners and such but it isn’t a huge noise now. The dogs, however, are freaked out by it. They aren’t use to the sound of the electronic ignition, and the air moving like it does now. It blows out of the furthest vent pretty darn hard compared to what our old unit did. Molly, the chicken chaser, considered the whole thing as bad as a thunderstorm and slept on me all night long.

They’ll get use to it, but until then I am just going to laugh at my silly dogs.

I have officially finished my first book on SQL and believe it or not, this time I actually get it, as in can visualize what I am doing and see how it can be and is applied in so many applications. Next I will brush up on my PHP to interact with the SQL and then on to Python. Even if I never use this knowledge in real world applications, I am having a blast learning new things, learning how to apply them and basically just excited that I have a better understanding of how things work. That was one of the best parts of taking auto mechanics years ago. I learned how things (my car) worked. I don’t want to work on cars, just wanted to know how they worked.

Emotionally I am more grounded these days. I usually am in a huge funk and want to run somewhere new. Start over. Once I realized that I was tired of starting over only to end up exactly where/how I was before I began to embrace things around me. I am learning that it is okay that I am afraid of damned near everything. That’s okay. It is just the way I am and have been all my life. I am learning that it is okay to fail at something. Failure is an event, not a person or a character trait. I cannot possibly succeed at everything I try. Trying is the success. I am also learning that just because I tried something and didn’t succeed that I can just regroup and try it a different way or just decide ‘hey, that isn’t for me but now I know’. Its all good. The best thing I’ve learned about me emotionally is that just because I enjoy doing something doesn’t mean I have to be consumed by it constantly or make it a career. Just doing different things for the joy of it is perfect. When I tire of it or feel I have accomplished all I want with it – it is also okay to set it all aside and try something new.

No knowledge, of any kind, is wasted. It never ceases to amaze me how even computer applications and the reasoning behind them can apply to life events as well. That doing something just because you want to is okay as well as not doing something because you don’t want to is just as okay.

I have also taught myself that I am just as important as anyone else in this world. Our importance is all equal, no matter who we are or what we are doing with our lives. All lives matter, including mine. All peace and serenity is for everyone, including me.

Some of my favorite quotes/sayings:

“I am not broken, do not try to fix me.”

“I can do anything if I want to do it.”

“What has been done cannot be undone.” …we need to decide where to go from here.

“I will do (be) me, and you do (be) you and the world will be a better place all around.”

“I don’t have flaws, only things that you don’t like about yourself.”

“Smokey mirror…” (google it)

And the list goes on. Something that goes along with me being important is learning to let go of old things. I obsess over some things that may not seem important to others. Although I am learning not to feel the need to explain myself all the time I will explain here, with examples.

I am on a dating site. It has been an adventure. I dated a guy for about 3 months. We talked daily, at least twice a day and saw each other on the weekend, usually just on Saturday, but we talked every single day without missing a day, twice a day. As you can tell this was important to me. Keeping in touch, being on their mind and in their thoughts enough that they talked to me…yet one day the phone calls didn’t come. He didn’t answer my calls or respond to my texts. I know he’s okay because he is still on the dating site.

Anyhoo, I did the constant questioning in my mind…what did I do wrong? I know that there are a million possibilities for answers as to why he stopped contact with me and none of them actually include me doing anything wrong or right. It wasn’t actually about me.

I am still me, he is still himself. I was fine before I met him, I am fine without him. I am still me, whole and perfect.

So, I taught myself to not let him be the last person I thought about before I went to sleep and stop allowing him to be the first person I thought about when I woke up. Simple, but took a bit to change a bad habit. I always have put others first and neglected myself.

So, here it is in all its simplicity, is to say your name first thing when you wake up, and before you go to bed. When I wonder if —-insert name of guy, girl here— is doing okay, I change it to I wonder if Kay is doing okay. Is Kay handling this cooler weather better this year, has Kay gotten a good nights sleep, has Kay remembered to eat…

A fun twist is a constant with me…I often wonder if there are jobs out there or just listings for them. Instead of saying/thinking “I wonder if there are jobs out there..” I change it to “I wonder if Kay is out there or just listings.” Fun to do and helps ground me that I am real, important and things will work out because I exist. Yes, Kay exists.

The reasoning I have for doing this is that just like when I don’t pay a bill to help out someone else, then in reality that person I was suppose to be paying (person, company or whoever) is the one actually helping out the person I was helping. Not only is this wrong, it is also forcing the person I am suppose to pay to help someone or do something that they didn’t agree to or volunteer to help. Think about it.

Without Kay, there can be no Kay the mother, Kay the sister, Kay the aunt, Kay the grandmother…Kay has to be first, solid and stable. Until then Kay can’t be all the other things.

So if I am consumed with thinking about someone else, then others are having to take care of me emotionally and sometimes physically. Helping others is a good thing, don’t get me wrong, but how you go about it can be wrong – oh so wrong.

I apply the flight attendants wise words about the oxygen mask to my entire life these days. I can help more people when I help myself (take care of myself) first. Strange thing I’ve discovered that if I am healthy, financially stable and mentally stable helping others just comes naturally and doesn’t drain anything from me. It is all abundance and overflow that just naturally bleeds out into the world to those that might need it – money, love and kindness.

Being kind to others isn’t easy when you aren’t kind to yourself. Loving others isn’t genuine when you don’t love yourself. Respecting others isn’t genuine when you don’t respect yourself.

Oh another quote that I live by is:

“You are a willing participant in everything that happens in your life.”

I don’t want to be a willing participant in all the bad things that happened in my life. If I hang on to them then I am still a willing participant in those events. Bad things, evil things, all happen in our lives and affect us. It is how to respond to them that matters. Along the Four Agreements not taking these things personal is the first step in not being a willing participant in them. Having things happen TO you is not the same thing as participating in them. This can be confusing. Keeping this thought process and events separate are complex, yet do-able. Takes time and practice.

I am rambling here so I will stop for now.

Love and light to all!

Author: bcnaat

Blogger of My Life in Pieces - one piece at a time. Mother of 4, grandmother to 4 (5th on the way!), human pet to two obnoxious dogs that I adore.

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