Ah, memories. There was a time I could hit the floor running in the morning. Didn’t need a reason, I probably had a gazillion, so I just did it.
I would love to do that today.
This morning, like so many mornings these past years, I urged myself out of the bed because I was uncomfortable. My head was hurting, neck tight and my back also stiff. I knew that if I stayed there much longer it would only get worse. I didn’t want to get out of bed because I know all the stuff I want to get done and don’t look forward to it.
So…I did the rabbit pose, in bed, hoping to ease the neck and back and then got out of bed. Old habits are to grab the robe and head on into the kitchen. These days, I test the physical waters to see if I can reach out for the robe hanging there or is the ankle also on a rampage or is the neck going to lock up on me. All good, grab the robe and head into the kitchen for coffee.
I write in this blog to ease the mind, to organize my thoughts, and also to calm down my racing mind. My mind, upon waking, creates this fight or flight sensation. I am in no danger. There is no doom and gloom coming in on the sunrise this morning, no dreaded deadlines for today. In the future, yes, but not today. I need to take care of the issues that are causing that dread feeling, yet where to start?
I am taking steps, I am taking care of business with the ‘tools’ I have today. I just can’t fix everything RIGHT THIS SECOND so I weird myself out. So many things I want to do, so many things I need to do. They are thoughts competing for my attention right now. I can write all these things down, yet that seems to have a negative effect lately. So many things, where to start? I work through the list most days and realize that I still have at least half a list that didn’t get done.
I want to start on a fresh page, so I transfer the old list to a new page in my notebook. Then I get tired, mentally. I simply cannot prioritize. When I attempt to prioritize I make myself even more tired. I remind myself ‘one step at a time, one breathe at a time’ and it helps a little. Then I add more stuff to the list. More stuff.
Right now I have been trying to focus on decluttering my bedroom. Starting somewhere, period. Now the clutter has moved from the bedroom into my living room and that bothers me. I spend more time in here, yet wanted a peaceful place to sleep. I have boxes that I have emptied but not broken down. I start to break them down yet I think I may need them later for storing things or collecting things to take to a donation place. Then the brain starts again.
If I pack up all the stuff to take there, then that means I have to get in my car and drive, which means I have to get dressed and ready to go there. Then I think that money is tight so I need to plan other things to be done while I am out so I don’t make too many repeat trips out into the world. Wasting gas. Worse yet, storing things again and having boxes around that I will eventually have to sort or go through again because I can’t remember what was in them. Yes, my mind is viscious and a very confusing/scary place.
Then there are times that I think if I were to finish all the things on my list, what will I do then? Boredom? No, I know better just from watching my list shrink and grow daily. There is always something that can be done or needs to be done.
I know what needs to be done so I need to stop making lists. I can’t seem to follow one as it is. I write down and also put into my phone things I need to get or do. I look at it after the fact. So for now, I am going to soak my feet to get rid of the dry skin – something I’ve put off for a month now even though its been on my list this long, and then take a shower. After I get dressed I may just break those boxes down. If I need them, I have tape and can reassemble them. It will clear out a ton of clutter on my desk.
Who knows. Just start Kay, just start.
Love and light to all!