Embrace The Fear(s)

Yeah, right. That means that I have to embrace every single emotion and sensation I feel, which is just about every single emotion and sensation I feel these days. Wait, maybe that is what I am doing wrong. I am not embracing my emotions and sensations, even the one that are negative. Negative to who or is that whom?

My fears run deep and some run shallow. As in right now I have 3 more days left before my plan on my phone renews and I may run out of data before then. I will still be able to make phone calls and send/receive text (SMS only) but browsing the web or something like that means that I will be reduced to dial up speeds. Oh, the horror.

Embracing that fear means what? Add more data even though my plan renews in a few days? Face that I may just have to not browse Facebook or even Google things for a few days? What if I find an amazing book on Audible and can’t download it until I have the time or patience to sit at the library or some free wifi place to get it downloaded!?

What about those dating sites I am on? Those won’t work either. What if…

Okay, so now that I embrace those fears I realize that they aren’t necessarily something to fear. Right now I have 200 book titles in my Audible account, probably about 25 that I haven’t listened to yet. And the dating site thing. LOL, no literally, laughing out loud since I just got frustrated with those people on there and have suspended my accounts until I either get over the shock at these people or stop laughing at some of them.

As far as Facebook and Google, been doing that at the library anyway since I can’t see my freaking phone because it is small and I am blind. Same goes with any research that I have been doing and my studies require my computer, no internet and a book.

Job applications I’ve put out there are okay since I can still receive phone calls just fine and any emails will be a little slower getting to me but they still will come – just at dial up speed and that shouldn’t be a problem.

I also tried facing (not embracing) my fears of feeling hopeless, frustrated and whatever at the fact that I am having trouble fixing anything lately. Okay, honestly fixing anything in the past 7 or so years.

Not exactly sure what happened but even changing a belt on my car has become a daunting prospect. Lawn mower doesn’t run, what else is new these days. I did try to face the fear of not being able to fix the lawn mower and tried it today. Found the spark plug was damaged so I replaced it. Mower wouldn’t crank. Next step see if it is getting fuel. Apparently not since I can spray starter fluid in it and it would crank.

Notice I said ‘would’ crank. Now it won’t, even with starter fluid. Hells bells. So it is sitting in the middle of the dog pen because I am tired, frustrated and sad. Yes sad.

See, I am sad because I am fighting depression again. It is exhausting to try to cheer myself up or at least keep level in my emotions. I have worked so hard on training myself to remain level in my emotions so I don’t have to keep riding the tremendous ups and downs my brain pulls me on so I today, can’t even cry. I can laugh though. I try to do it often. Not hysterically yet I do try. Crying just doesn’t happen unless I am in a full blown panic attack. Desperately trying to avoid panic attacks.

I miss the girl that would march back outside and look at that b*tch of a lawnmower and say “challenge accepted”. She was there this morning, but now she is cowering inside being sad. Even a nap didn’t help.

I also have to smile at the Audible deal since I have turned off my books for a bit so I can listen to absolutely nothing. All I hear is the sound of the fan in my living room. It is nice and peaceful in here. Ah, the a/c just kicked on. Just normal household sounds. Dogs aren’t barking, no music blaring, no books being read in my ear…as close to silence as I can get in this neighborhood/house.

Facebook? Ah, whatever. Stand, kneel, bow whatever. The highlight of the week changes weekly and I have no idea or desire to keep up with what everyone else is pissed off about.

The dating sites. Well, they are fun at times, frustrating the other times. Have learned a few things. I am too shy for some people’s taste. I am too strong of a person for other people’s taste. Say what is on your mind and other people will bow out quickly.

Some real red flags on dating sites are those that are too generous with their compliments. There are also those that will view your profile waaaaayyy too many times a day. There are those that hand out their numbers way too quickly, too. I have only one app on my phone that I dare to use when moving the conversation off of the dating app/site itself. That is hangouts. You can use only your email to converse with someone in a messaging setting – same as email but a little quicker as in quick like texting. Phone numbers can be generated through a service to mask who you really are – Whatsapp is an app that I prefer not to use because it is the same type service as Hangouts but you have to use a phone number, not an email.

I have also learned how to see what a phone number is. By that I mean is it a VoIP number, a Skype number or a regular landline or wireless number. Although people can use their real phone numbers, I am finding that the weird people use a VoIP or Skype number so you really have no idea if they have that as their real number or just a masking number.

Okay, so I confused myself with that but I understand it and that is all that matters. Hmmm, maybe this will clear it up: people in other countries can generate a number (VoIP or skype) to appear as though they are a local number here in the states. People in the states can do the same to appear they are calling you from another country. Same applies to people in the area masking their true numbers…

You can also get a location of where they are supposedly living/calling from by using People Finder or another service, Google that location at street level and possibly will find that they are calling from an address this is a business or warehouse. Yep.

Okay, enough on that.

Now back to the dating site thing. Still no luck there. Was seeing a guy after talking on the phone for a bit. He is really nice, a little of a hot head while driving (not while I’m with him but while we’re talking on the phone) and we had a couple of really nice dates. He called me daily, twice a day and would text me as well. Haven’t heard from him in a few days now. Go figure.

Can’t say I am not curious as to the reason behind it, but guess I will never know.

So now I sit here trying to figure out what to do to pull myself out of my funk. I tried fixing the lawn mower and literally want to just set fire to it and be done. Need to replace the belt on my car yet after the lawnmower deal I am afraid that I won’t be able to do it and end up disabling my car – which I need working.

So I guess I will put my clean sheets on the bed, take a shower, put on my pajamas and climb into bed. Call it day or whatever – seeing how it is only 5:30 in the evening.

Love and light all!

Author: bcnaat

Blogger of My Life in Pieces - one piece at a time. Mother of 4, grandmother to 4 (5th on the way!), human pet to two obnoxious dogs that I adore.

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