My Country

Really really want to start writing again. I have been jotting the highlights into my dayplanner yet still missing days. I would like that to be a habit either here or there. Something consistent, something I do routinely. I have very few routines worth anything these days. Basically managing through the day and that’s about it.

Strangely enough, even though I am tired of just being here all day cleaning and studying, I still would love to work from home. The thing I feel is that right now, even though the studying and organizing is good, I am not earning money.

So, I am looking for part time work, something substantial though, not just flipping burgers or whatever, but something that challenges me and earns some money. Two reasons for this and the main one being I am not sure I could handle a full time job right now because I’ve been off work for so long now. Second being that it will still give me time to do my studying.

I have so many long term goals yet none of them seem important enough for me to follow through with them. Some are fear of failure, some are that I may not like this crap as much as I think I will and the last being that I am afraid. Always afraid.

Not sure what I am afraid of, or where this “why bother” attitude comes from. Don’t like either of them. Time to address and change things.

Its picking the lesser of evils now. I abhor change, yet also abhor some things about my attitude and mental agility at times.

When I type the word change it freaks me out. Yet, my life has changed so much that I am uncomfortable. I want some old things to come back, remain the same and others to get lost in the mix because they weren’t things that made me happy.

Danish way. That is what I want. First off, I want to figure out how to love my country. I don’t hate my country, just don’t love it. I don’t want to leave it, but I don’t know if I can stand behind my country. There is so much hate and discord, judgement and labeling – I just don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I can’t change a whole country. I am definitely not dictator material. I just need to find what I love about this country and build off that.

So my new quest is to find out what I love about my country. Not comparing it to other countries, but loving things about this one. Not a competition or a pie chart or a pro/con list. Looking for Pros only.

I can’t change the world, but I can change my little world. I have to change my attitude first.

Love and light to all!