I feel a panic attack brewing. I am overwhelmed and it is scary as fuck. I am trying, honestly trying.
There is no try(ing), there is only do(ing).
Okay so I am not doing. No I am doing and it is all going sideways. Is that normal? When you decide to make changes in your life everything seems to turn upside down, twisting and turning trying to shake you off your feet? Hell, I can’t even manage to ride things through on my butt.
I started to type “here’s the skinny” but this shit ain’t skinny. I am skinny, not my life. My life is obese. It is full of all kinds of crap trying to kill my ass and slow me down.
School is out of the question. I earned too much last year to qualify for grants. If I were a displaced worker (fired, laid off) I could get some assistance. So because I am a quitter not a fuckup or my company didn’t crash around me I can’t. Either way I can’t get assistance. Bottom line is I CAN’T get assistance with or without a job.
So now I am working. Part time, which feels like full time since I have to try all over the place. So far I’ve work, and only had this job since last Thursday (it is Monday), in Carrolton, Frisco, Allen and will be in Frisco tomorrow and in Dallas Wednesday and Thursday. They killed my Friday in Dallas and swapped me for next Tuesday in The Colony. I am off the rest of the other days coming up.
I really need to work on my communication skills. Not just mine, but having others understand that what I said was plain and clear. I am planning on going to school and need a schedule that will work with that. Where in the hell inthat schedule is time to sleep, eat, study or actually attend classes. Yes these events are usually only 4-5 hours but I have at least 30 minutes drive time one way, odd hours to be there (usually 5a or 5p) and most of the events are back to back. Yes Sunday night and Monday morning were both in Allen. Awesome yet WTF am I suppose to do for the 4 hours between the jobs. Also was told that I was interviewing in Carrolton because it was the main office yet I am assigned to the Carrolton office – not Mesquite – where I submitted my applicatin by the way. I guess Carrolton is closer but puts me in the Dallas/Fort Worth area for jobs.
Spoke with my supervisor about the Dallas gigs. That got somehow fliped around to “so you can’t work nights? You need to note that on your availability.” Huh? I had simply explained to her that I am not comfortable driving in Dallas. Anyway, am tired and stressing out because of how much driving I am doing, in a car with one headlight and a belt that is about to slip off the car. So yeah, need to get some income so I can fix the stupid thing. Who the fuck designs a car where you have to take the bumper off to replace a headlight bulb? I can pop the bumper off and change the sucker but don’t know how the airbags are set up and am uber excited about the possibility of totally my car out by changing a blow headlight bulb.
The way things are going, I am afraid to touch anything. I am sucked into a system of things that blows my mind as bad as the system of welfare sucks you in and you can’t get out.
It also doesn’t help that someone I’ve been talking to for over a month now, every single day twice a day at least, has just disappeared. I wish people, men, would just tell me what I’ve done wrong. At least then I would know not to do it again. I am so sad, and yes heartbroken. I fell defective. Am I Yugo of the human race? Toss me when you are done?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Oh well, that can be what is on my headstone along with “nobody knows, Kay, nobody knows”.
Off to make a gratitude list and a list of all the obstacles that I’ve over come so I can remnd my just why my success rate at living so far has been 100%,
Love and light to those of us that can’t seem to move forward other than on a straight line to nowhere special while having crap thrown at you from all directions that you cannot figure out how to avoid or deal with…